What Nobody Tells You About Moving Abroad

Culture shock is real. I'm not talking about the fun cultural differences we talk about on social media. I mean the real, deep, personality-changing phenomenon that expats inevitably experience, sometimes over and over, and have to pull themselves out of.

The government moves my family to a new country every few years and each time the following process took place. In Cambodia, Nigeria, and Greece these stages all occurred in the same order, although each was temporary and lasted for a different period of time. Although everyone experiences culture shock differently, for me, knowing there is a science to it helps me feel normal even when I’m in the negative stages. This is what I wish someone told me when I first chose to spend my life living around the world.

Stage 1: The Honeymoon

You’re a tourist first, before becoming an official expat.  You look through rose-colored lenses and rarely see the flaws. At this point, I'm usually excited beyond measure and can put up with any inconvenience because I'm just grateful to be experiencing somewhere new. For instance, we had to leave behind a large amount of expensive possessions at the last moment in DC - picture some of your wedding gifts handed out to strangers - and we just held hands, said less is more, and agreed not to think about it again. Once in Greece, we spent the first few months exploring ancient ruins, showing family members the country, and eating glorious $4 gyros for dinner.

Stage 2: Frustration & Homesickness

The fatigue of learning the language and cultural norms sets in and things like buying household goods that used to be easy can become difficult and exhausting (even in places like Greece). In turn, small things like missing the bus can trigger frustration.  This can lead to homesickness and thinking how “easy” it was somewhere else.

For me, this usually sets in around the 4-6 month mark and is actually the phase I'm trying to work myself out of now. I recently broke my hand AND learned there are poisonous caterpillars in our neighborhood that cause me intense allergies and that can kill my dog on contact.

The frustration called me to do a segment on instagram where we all shared the top things we are missing most about home because the #1 thing that helps me through this stage is community!  Usually I get the temptation to hide in my shell, but sharing frustrations with my community back home, in Greece, and with others going through the same things around the world often helps me break into the next phase. The homesickness segment revealed that hundreds of expats around the world were missing the same things: chick-fil-a, home goods, turning right on red, sidewalks, target, friends and family, Mexican food, sub sandwiches, etc.

Take it from me, if you bury the things that are bothering you (sometimes I try to do that with radical positivity), instead of skipping to the other side, you're likely just prolonging the whole process.

Stage 3: Adjustment

Chameleon mode activates!  You start to pick up on all sorts of cultural differences and adjust your behavior automatically. 

In Cambodia, this meant eating incredibly spicy noodles for dinner each night and craving that routine when it was gone. When I needed to get somewhere, instead of walking or driving, I learned how to call a tuk tuk on an app like Uber. In Greece, I assume this is when I will forget that chickpeas ever came in cans (they are shrink wrapped in Greece).

Stage 4: Acceptance

After living in the adjustment stage for some time comes acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean that new cultures are completely understood, rather you have the familiarity and are able to draw together the resources you need to feel at ease.  It usually takes me a whole year to get to this point!

Remember, culture shock is different for everybody and the cycle may repeat itself when you face new experiences. You don't even need to move to a new country to experience it -- spending time in a new city can trigger the phenomenon. Although it can feel impossible when you're in the fog of frustration and homesickness, sharing your perspective with your community might just lend you the hand that helps pull you to the other side.

Have you gone through any of these stages?  What helped you push through?