The Journey to Gaining Independence Overseas

Independence is a core identity trait for me. I grew up this way and it made me a stronger human being, often leading me to do my own thing and reach for the stars including moving away from my small town, attending law school, building a career promoting and defending human rights, and working and living abroad solo.

However, it was difficult for me, as a young woman and EFM, to feel independent in our last post in Abuja, Nigeria. Due to terrorism and kidnappings, we didn't feel safe walking on the streets outside our ultra-secure compound. Add that my husband is hyper-security conscious, that we were there during the pandemic, and that I felt unsafe driving on the roads, it truly took a lot of effort, persistence, and coordination to even leave our house. After working at the Embassy a few months after we arrived, things became slightly easier. Motorpool was available and I felt more comfortable asking for rides to and from the Embassy, to work meetings in the community, and for going out in the evenings with friends.

"The main theme here is preparing in advance"

During our months back in America while we prepared for our next post in Athens, Greece, I was able to reset. This post catalogues the things that helped me regain my independence in DC, a city we’ve never lived in before, and these things are what I did to prepare for more independent living in Greece. Think of it as “a guide to preparing for more independence in a new environment.” If you are already in your destination, there’s nothing stopping you from starting these things now. However, if you have the opportunity: You’re going to find that the main theme is preparing goals and tasks IN ADVANCE before you enter the new environment when your head is clear to the objectives you want to accomplish so you don’t get caught up in bad habits or lesser priorities.

1. Therapy – Before D.C. I'd never tried therapy before and my therapist was basically a down to earth friend who helped me create an action plan based on my personality and the science behind how our brain works in new environments. (Side note: I think it’s a major gap in the system that US-based therapists are unable to continue service to foreign service families who move overseas. We should advocate for exemptions – but more on that another time.)

2. Make a List of your Goals in the New Environment – These are going to be unique to your personality, skills, and desires. For me, it includes:

• working with an NGO outside of the Embassy,

• visiting islands and other unique sites in Greece,

• becoming mentally and physically healthier,

• exploring my creative skills like photography and crochet, and

• documenting our experiences in this new country.

I made my list using the Goodnotes app on my iPad with a template from Etsy. Once you have your goals nailed down, it’s easier to move on to the next task below.

3. Build a “To Do List” of Healthy Habits and Tasks – Because routines keep you grounded, this might be the most important on the list! Based on my goals above, I built a to do list of healthy habits and tasks for my time in Greece. Some of these (which are obviously a work in progress since we just arrived!) include:

• daily bible study and devotional (shoutout to the YouVersion Bible App),

• setting up my home office and writing for a set number of hours per day,

• 30 minutes gym, 30 minutes physical therapy/yoga,

• dog training 10 minutes a day,

• 30 minutes maintaining the Greek language,

• cooking healthy dinners,

• crocheting for holidays, and

• photographing new destinations each week and putting photos on the wall to celebrate our memories and my photography efforts.

You can also list tasks that will help you support your habits. I knew I wanted to write more meaningful blog posts like these so I had a few topics primed to start writing about. I knew I needed to find a dog daycare to accomplish these habits so I found one nearby on our third day here. I truly believe that we are a product of our habits – both good and bad – so if you start your time in a new place closed off and afraid to leave your house, always on social media or by the tv, always eating junk food from America, that’s what the rest of your time is going to look like too. I’m not kidding when I say I’ve been in Athens for several days now and haven’t unpacked my bags yet. This is how important building healthy habits are to me. The rest can come after.

4. Make a List of Places you Want to Visit, Especially for Solo Travel, so Your Partner is on the Same Page and you Don’t Spend your Saturdays in the Social Media Vortex –

This might be for yourself, your partner or, in my case, both. First, I’m an introvert and love being at home equally as much as I love being out and about having new experiences. This list gives me easy, safe possibilities to pick out on that random Saturday. It also ensures that time doesn’t get sucked up on social media while cuddling with our dog, Havana. Second, showing the list to my husband in advance made him more comfortable supporting me. Instead of hearing about last minute plans and jumping straight to the security elements, he knows the places on the list are a priority for me and has even heard experiences from other people about how safe the locations are. We’ve only been in Athens a few days and he's encouraged me twice to visit some of the places alone!

5. Build a Community and Host People in your House Soon After you Arrive –

Being independent for me means having friends to do fun things with or to ask for advice or to generally support me in accomplishing my goals listed above (it’s even more fun when our goals overlap!!). Will and I are not the best hosts!! I joke that I was a terrible server in high school. I historically get caught up in the idea that my house is unfurnished since it takes months for our things to arrive, but by that time sometimes friendships are solidified as are habits of going to certain people’s places for outings. I found the solution is to host people early! Trust me, they don’t care that your casserole dish isn’t here or that your couches are still an ugly avocado green. Just sit on the floor if you have to and get to know each other. Chances are they are also trying to find their people too. Another tip is to forget the complex meals. I love cooking so sometimes I make homemade egg rolls and fancy deserts but you know what, this takes so much time and effort, that honestly sometimes I’m exhausted before guests even show up. Better to just grab something oven-friendly or order something fun in!

6. Lastly, Recognize That You CAN Do Things by Yourself – This is a hard one for me. Will and I get along so well and are so similar that 99% of the time we align on what we like and what we want to do. Gym? Let’s go together. Coffee? Let’s go find a shop. Feel like a walk? Absolutely! What I’ve found though is that being independent means spending. time. alone. Yes, with yourself!! You have to like yourself to trust yourself and want to better yourself. Your friends and your partner are not going to have identical goals so you can easily switch train tracks if you are always paired up. I’ve been loving doing PT/yoga by myself as Will prefers lifting. I spend my alone time in the morning writing and my nights reading so that I can have that time with my own voice in my head. I’m not kidding that sometimes if Will is in the same house doing his own thing I’m still thrown off because I feel pulled to spend time with him! In these cases I’ll go for a walk, go journal in a common area outside, or respectfully ask him to go to the gym or do something outside that’s on his own list. This helps us accomplish our own goals and come back to each other ready to use that time to cook or spend time together.

Finally, a big part of why I had very little anxiety with this move was because I had my list of goals and action items primed and ready to go when I touched down in Athens. Look, I’m a work in progress and pledge to keep you updated on how this goes in Athens. For those of you who are veterans at being independent in new posts or environments, let me know what helps you!